Displaced Stay At Home Californian in rural N. Carolina

The Many Faces of Joy

The Many Faces of Joy

Thursday, February 16, 2012


I love babies. I love all babies. I love them at all stages, they are so adorable and hug-able and squishy and burpy and milky and needy. My favorite stage is 0 to 6 months when they are totally dependent upon you for everything and they are nursing exclusively. I relished being a life force for my babies, they needed me and I needed them. I was so protective of my babies that having other people hold them made me feel like something was missing from my body, almost like losing a limb. We wanted to have more babies but every womans body has a clock and each clock has its own rhythm and we found out yesterday that my rhythm has stopped.

It has been a difficult two days for me. I never imagined when I was having children that this would happen so soon, although for a woman who has never had children I must seem very self indulgent to be feeling like this when I have 2 children already. One friend called me selfish and said that there were plenty of other children in this world why bring more into it? Another person told me that I was foolish because it is so expensive to have children and such a time constraint, I would never be childless or free to explore other facets of my life. When would I go back to work? Imagine the stress on my marriage? Who had more than 2 kids anymore?

I kept bumping into women who were 45 and carrying their first child. Or women who would say, "I just got pregnant at 43 with no intervention" or "I know two 50 year old women right now carrying twins" so I kept hope alive that I could be a more mature mother and it would be something I could do with a lot of money and medical intervention. What about that woman I keep going back to in Arkansas with 20 kids?

I also have tucked away in the back of my mind that my husband is physically able to have kids for many more years. We have only been married for 8 years and he is already saddled with a woman who is plucking chin hairs and dealing with insomnia - how fun is that? I'm sure you can tell that this is the self pity and wallowing that a woman does when she is having a hard time scraping herself off the floor. I have been wallowing for 2 days. And I think I am allowed at least 2 more before I have to get up, dust myself off, shower, put on some make up, fix my hair, wear something cute and start contacting Adoption Agencies.

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