Displaced Stay At Home Californian in rural N. Carolina

The Many Faces of Joy

The Many Faces of Joy

Sunday, May 27, 2012

El S-E-X-O

Yup, that's right folks, the first blog on Sex.  So if you are related to me and cannot handle reading what I am about to write with regards to Sex or something sexual in nature or are under the age of 18, please go ahead and log off or at least read this when your parents have stepped out of the room or have fallen asleep.  And make sure they are in a deep sleep because nothing is worse than reading something that has the word SEX splashed all over it and having your parents walk in half way through and you can't figure out how to minimize the page or they ask you, "So what are you doing?"  Awkward.

I stayed up very late last night to read the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James.  It is a best-selling erotic fiction book that has people (mostly women) giggling and tittering in the aisles of Target, Barnes and Noble and the Public Library, for some months now.  I'm not sure where I first caught wind of it but I felt the need to read it for research sake and I stayed up very late to make sure I had thoroughly finished it.

Lets just start with the obvious and that is, the book is clearly not written by an American.  It is about a fellow in Seattle and a girl who graduates from college and moves to Seattle so she can have this BDSM relationship with this guy (and if you don't know what BDSM is, then stop reading right now and click on some other link).  You can tell the writer isn't from Seattle because no one in Seattle uses the word "Rucksack" or signs off on their emails "Laters". 

While I found the book mildly stimulating and by mildly stimulating I mean that I was able to finish it before I fell asleep on top of it as I tend to do when a book is really dull, I am concerned about one important thing:  When are writers going to stop portraying sex between a man and a woman as a series of multiple and simultaneous orgasms and then everyone falls asleep only to wake up in a few hours and repeat the multiple and simultaneous orgasms?  Why not portray what really happens so that young men and women who read the book (as they most assuredly will) get an honest account or at least as close as honest can get to what really goes on and we don't perpetuate this stupid notion that a woman orgasms when a man looks at her or commands her to orgasm.  I actually found myself skimming the sex scenes in the book because they were so so so so fictional in every way.  It had me wondering if maybe the author was a 15 year old teenage boy. 

But I can say I read it and I most likely will read the other two books that follow it because I am very concerned now for the heroine in the storyline and how she is going to escape this very abusive and misogynistic billionaire that has her in his grip.  And once I'm done I am going to pen a very poignant letter to the author and ask her to consider actually having sex before she decides to write about it next time, at least that way she can get it more accurate.

There, that wasn't too painful was it?

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Odds and Ends

I have had a hard time coming up with good stuff for my blog lately so I "Googled" the word blogs and came up with a blog that listed 10 ideas for blogs when you feel like you've hit some kind of writer's block.  They were all crap ideas so I decided to just wait until something great happened to write about.  I try not to limit what I blog about but even being wide open on what I can write about isn't helping me.

I'm trying really hard to get back to my plant based diet and fighting it violently.  This was a week of trying new things for the kids and I can't say they always enjoyed it.  We had a white bean salad with red onions, radishes and parsley which they picked the beans out of and didn't ask for seconds.  We also had a lentil salad dish with fresh celery and onions and a cumin dressing which they picked the celery out of and grimaced as they said it was delicious and refreshing.

I'm trying to ignore the chronic back pain that comes from wearing flip flops around the house but I broke down and ordered my first pair of Birkenstock's.  I found a great pair of Teva's and bought them and put them on and showed my husband.  He burst out laughing and reminded me of all the grief I put my brother Joey through when he showed up with the exact same pair of sandals about a year ago.  I promptly returned the Teva's.  I also found a brand new pair of Keen sandals at the Flea Market for $15 dollars (a steal) but couldn't bring myself to buy them because they were so hideous.  I longingly look at the shoes in my closet and wonder if they will be ornamental from here on out.

I am gearing up for having my husband home for 6 weeks from June to July as he studies for boards.  This is a big deal, the boards, something we have worked for nearly 8 years for so he has to study hard and pass.  But he will be home for the most part for 6 weeks and that is going to be interesting.  Gabe hasn't been home for more than a week here and there for the last 4 years so having him home again like he was when the girls were babies and when he was in Vet school will be different.  He has 3 girls that can't wait!

And finally, we had a chance to go to a wedding on Sunday night and see old friends and make new ones.  They had a photo booth and a table full of props.  So this is what we came up with - or at least these are the ones I am allowed to show.  I've discovered that pulling up my hair creates a natural facelift.  Makes my eyes look better and the skin around my eyes tighter.  And I've also discovered that black and white makes me look younger.  And for those of you that are wondering, Gabe had not gained a single pound in the 9 years we've been married.  Sigh.

Enjoy your May because according to the Mayan calendar, this is it.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Idle Hands

Last week my friend Elisa and I had an opportunity to go and make phone calls to voters and ask for their support on a measure that will be on the ballot in June.  It is one of those things that means you will pay more taxes and that tax money is supposed to help schools.  I know it sounds like a load of crap especially since these types of things happen all the time and yet the public schools get worse and worse but I felt it was important since one of my children goes to public school, to support the measure and do my part.

We were given a packet with a script and a cell phone.  We were given a list of people to call and steps to take once we had made contact and actually spoken with these people.  Given my experience with making phone calls, I realized that we would be cold calling these folks and it would be at dinner/bath/bed time and they most likely would not like to talk to us.

I got many many answering machines.  I also got a woman that said it was bath time and didn't I have anything better to do.  I got someone who said they didn't speak English, in English.  I got an elderly lady (the voter info said she was 96) who was hard of hearing and I don't think she ever figured out what I was calling about.  I got a man who said that he was getting ready for soccer and couldn't talk right now.  I got a woman who said she was getting a massage and couldn't talk.  I got a lady who said that whatever we were selling she was not interesting, (yes she said interesting).  I got a man who said that the man I was asking for was not there and I heard someone shout out in the background, "You are a liar!"  I only got one lady who wanted to talk at length about the deplorable state of our public schools and how she used to be a teacher and how she wanted to vote for anything that improved our schools regardless as to how much it cost or how it impacted her taxes.  She was refreshing and seemed somewhat naive.

And then I looked over at my friend Elisa, sitting on the floor making her own calls and I realized that I was holding a pre-paid cell phone with an un-recognizable number and I was done with all my calls.  I decided in an instant that this would be a great time to prank call her husband on the phone and use my best "Francine" voice which is a cross between South Carolina and Texas and see if I could sell him some beads or dancing lessons.  After all, he would have no idea who I was and I could use a laugh.  Lucky for her husband he didn't answer his home phone the three times I called or his cell phone.  Lucky for the phone bank it was time to shut down for the night too because I was mentally running through a list of friends and family I could call and yank their chains.

It turns out the old saying is true, idle hands truly are Joy's playground.